Perhaps you find it particularly difficult in your romantic relationships. There's a natural explanation for this, which can be traced back to the attachment patterns you developed in childhood.
According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, security and attachment rank among the highest and most important needs humans have.
Our attachment patterns are shaped in childhood and dictate how we unconsciously relate to various relationships, such as partners, children, family, friends, colleagues, and bosses, among others.
The founder of attachment theory is the English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who studied children in the post-war period who had been separated from their parents. He developed the theory that children early in life have a deep need for security and care from their closest caregivers, forming the cornerstone of their emotional and social development later in life.
The American developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth further developed the theory into four different attachment patterns. These four different attachment patterns include the secure attachment and the three insecure patterns: avoidant, ambivalent/anxious, and disorganized attachment patterns.
Secure attachment is characterized by the primary caregivers (mother/father or, for example, a grandparent) being loving, stable, and present throughout childhood.
In the avoidant pattern, the child encounters emotional closeness and rejection. Unconsciously, the child decides, "I'll manage on my own."
The ambivalent/anxious pattern is characterized by the parents being present and then disappearing again. The child tries to figure out how to gain love and contact and believes it's something to do with the child.
Finally, there's the disorganized pattern, where the behavior of the primary caregivers has been frightening and unpredictable, such as parents who are substance abusers. Here, the child hasn't had their needs for presence, contact, or protection met.
When we become aware of our attachment patterns, the healing process can begin. We can start to unfold the story of childhood and gain an understanding of the patterns and beliefs that have been carried into adulthood, hindering good and healthy relationships.
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