When I was a child, "old" people always said that time flies by. I had a feeling that time stood still, and I could hardly wait to grow older. Now I understand what they meant!
Now I am older and have gone through several different phases in my life. Childhood, teenage years, my twenties with getting a higher education, and becoming a mother for the first time in my late twenties. Starting my thirties with the luck of becoming a mother once again. Divorce and standing alone as a single mother. Another education as a psychotherapist. My forties almost flew by with yet another education as a teacher. Then suddenly, my fifties arrived with menopause, hot flashes, children leaving the nest, and a wonderful boyfriend moving in.
Today, I am well into my fifties and feel fantastic. I am at peace with myself and have managed to create the life I have dreamed of, despite some minor physical ailments, which are to be expected at my age.
Where I truly feel the aging creeping in is when I see my parents in their eighties. Suddenly, I experience an incredible vulnerability in the form of old age and illness. My mother and father, who have always been so strong. Who have lived abroad, had careers, been active in all sorts of boards, etc. Vulnerability in realizing that they are in their final stage of life.
The vulnerability sometimes hits me when I see my mother or father calling. Time stands still for a moment as I see their respective names on the phone screen, and the realization hits me that the day will come when they no longer call. They won't call anymore because they are no longer here.
Deep inside me, my inner child fears that day because even though it's been an eternity since I was a child living with my parents, there is a little girl inside me who wants them to always be here. It's vulnerable and yet entirely natural. Natural and yet still deeply strange that we have to leave this world. That death is a condition of life.
When age creeps in, life is put into perspective
When age becomes so evident and can no longer be taken for granted as when one was young and believed oneself to be immortal, life is put into perspective. Especially now with my parents, where old age is so apparent, I feel personally compelled to consider whether I have talked to each of them about what is important, have I dared to be authentic and meet them in a loving and gentle space, have I forgiven what needed to be forgiven and told them that I love them. To meet each of them in a vulnerable space where time stands still for a while and where we connect as equals. To thank them for life and find peace with the realization that they did the best they could with what they had. To feel that suddenly I am the strong one and old age has made them the vulnerable part. That everything is okay and that everything is just as it should be simply because this is a condition of life for all of us.
Life is also put into perspective in relation to my own children. How do I want to be a parent for the rest of my life, and what role do I want to have when I become a grandmother? How can I be there for my children and grandchildren in a meaningful way so that they are never in doubt that I love and appreciate them?
How do I want to be in the world for the rest of my life and contribute with what I can to make a difference? How can I serve without expecting anything in return?
With the realization that time flies by, it is important that we do what we want to do, say what we want to say, and make peace with what needs to be made peace with.
Comments