I have just attended the funeral of a dearly beloved man. Several hundred people gathered for his final journey, and what characterized his life was that he lived each day as if it were his last - he loved his family deeply, lived in the present moment, and was present with everyone he encountered on his path. He knew how to embrace life in a way that few people do. He was unique and an inspiration for the bereaved, illustrating the importance of seizing dear life with all its implications.
And what about those left behind, who must live with the unbearable - grief? The incomprehensible and almost unreal fact that the person they loved so much is no longer there.
First comes the shock - an incomprehension followed by a series of emotional, cognitive, social, and physiological symptoms. Emotionally, one may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, hopelessness, loneliness, longing, and more. Cognitive challenges may include feelings of unreality, difficulties with memory and concentration, preoccupation with thoughts of death and the deceased, worries about the future, and more. Socially, one might be emotionally labile, experience restlessness, introversion, or engage in addictive behaviors, among other things. Severe grief reactions occur especially with sudden and violent losses and can lead to thoughts of the meaninglessness of life. However, the experience of grief can vary depending on one's past experiences with loss, the stage of life, and the relationship with the deceased.
According to studies on Danish grief, most people perceive the time as stressful and painful. Many report that grief never completely goes away but that the grief response diminishes after about 6 to 12 months, even though they continue to miss the person they lost.
Even though death is the most natural thing, it remains taboo. We all have to die, yet we still find it difficult to talk about and accept it as an inherent aspect of life. Death may seem more natural when someone departs after a long life, succumbing to old age. On the other hand, death appears unfair and senseless when it involves a young or middle-aged person - someone who still had so much life ahead. Or when parents experience the death of their child - it is as unnatural as can be.
Death puts life into perspective because what is really important? When death comes knocking, it is a reminder that we are vulnerable and only here on earth for a while. So, love your loved ones more, prioritize spending time together in presence, live out your dreams, travel and experience our beautiful planet, and be grateful for even the small things in life.
I have lost family members and people close to me. Personally, I find solace in the belief that we go to a divine place when we leave our bodies. That our soul moves on when death occurs and reunites with those we have loved in life who have also crossed to the other side. A conviction that we are all connected souls, having a human experience on earth for a while and then reuniting in the divine universe.
Most people in grief find that the best help they can receive is from their own network, even though it can be vulnerable to reach out for help. It may be necessary to get help with practical things like cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc., until one regains strength. Likewise, experiencing presence from people around you who are not afraid of touching the pain and can endure the sorrow even long after the loss.
There are also grief support groups where you can meet like-minded individuals and find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in going through a very difficult time.
Psychotherapy can help release what is difficult to put into words about grief. It can provide tools, bring peace, and establish a "new normal" after the trauma. It can offer ideas on how to honor the person you have lost to find peace in your heart. It can help articulate how life will continue after the loss.
I am here to support you in grief and, in addition to psychotherapy, can offer healing that may help soothe your nervous system.
Comments